Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Ghostbusters (2016)

Good afternoon, gentle readers.
Today, I decided to take one for the team and go and check out the reboot of Ghostbusters.  Now, like many of you, I do not live in a dank cave beneath a bridge with trolls for neighbors.  So, I'm going to assume the majority of you are aware of this movie on some level.  More than likely, you've heard of the outrage from fans of the original movies and Sony's less-than-spectacular attempt at spin.  
You may have heard that this movie is not good. You may have heard and possibly believe that the majority of its online critics are a bunch of whiny, man-babies who hate women.  You may also have heard rumors that Sony basically bought good reviews of the movie from professional reviewers.
Ladies and gentlemen, you may have heard all of these things, and you may believe them.  I heard these rumors and stories, but tried to keep an open mind.  So, after its initial opening weekend, I decided that I would go and see Ghostbusters for myself.
Which, gentle readers, has placed me in a bit of a quandry.
Specifically, I'm wondering how to call this movie a big turd without sounding like a complete asshole.
Because, ladies and gentlemen, that's what I think this movie is. 
A big, cold turd.
It just kind of lies there, in your way, impossible to ignore.  It's not smelly or hot, so you could probably brush it aside with your shoe and nothing would stick to you.
That is probably the best thing that I can say about Ghostbusters 2016.  It will not stick with you and after a little while you'll probably forget all about it.
The writing in this movie is atrocious. The only part that I genuinely enjoyed was the opening scene at the museum, and even that had its issues. (What museum docent is going to just walk away, leaving a fallen object on the floor?)
After that, ladies and gentlemen, it is all down hill.  A slow tobogan ride to boredom.  
The characters are flat and lack chemistry.  McCarthy and Wiig's characters are meant to have a history together, but that never comes through in this movie.  Their relationship is plastic and fake, ultimately making one of the final scenes in the movie feel the same way.  Kate McKinnon's character is just annoying and I can't figure out why Leslie Jones's character would even stick around with the other three?  As for Chris Hemsworth? Eye candy can only do so much.
The villain, played by Neil Casey, is just as bad.  There's nothing particularly malevolent about him. Everybody says he's a weird guy, but outside of his interaction with Leslie Jones's character, we get no sense of that.  We get no backstory, no real motivation for why he's doing what he's doing.
Now, in fairness there's been a lot of commentary that all the men in this movie are portrayed as idiots or dicks.  This isn't really accurate; everyone in this movie is a dick, men and women. If there were kids or dogs in this movie, and I didn't notice either, they would probably have been dicks as well.
Overall, this movie was just a big bore.  It is two hours of your life that you will NEVER GET BACK.
Spare yourself that, please, gentle readers.
You'll thank me for it later.

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