Monday, August 19, 2013

Carbs, Vodka & Video Recordings

Good afternoon, gentle readers.

The other day one of the store’s regular customers, Stevie B, came in with his lovely wife, Heather, and their little girl. They were there to replace some comic boxes that the family cat had destroyed and Stevie B was recording the trip to be shown on their YouTube show, Married To a Nerd.

I was in the video and watched it the other night.

Two things about my appearance in the video struck me straight away. The first is that I sounded awful. This does not come as a surprise, as no one sounds like they actually think that they sound. Also, at moments during the recording, I sound suspiciously like the characters Bruce from Family Guy. You know him. He’s the gay guy with a thousand different jobs. That was sort of shocking.

The second thing that struck me was that I should really go on a diet. I’m not, like Jabba the Hut fat or anything, but I’m slowly getting there.

Now, I can’t do anything about the voice. I sound like I sound.

But I can do something about the weight. So, this morning I resolved to start a diet. I would try to cut back on the carbs. Eat less bread. Eliminate soda from my diet. Eat more veggies. Y’know, practical things.

Of course I resolved to do this before checking the fridge. I have a two-liter bottle of Cherry Cola, a microwavable chicken Parmesan dinner, and a six pack of pre-mixed Smirnoff screwdrivers. Also, a bag of broccoli w/cheese sauce.


So much for kicking carbs today.

I’m still determined to diet, but I’m going to have to postpone it until I have cleaned out what’s in the fridge. And, even though I’m sure I could eat everything in there today, I really don’t feel like drinking an entire six pack of Smirnoff screwdrivers.

So, the diet is on hold until I finish the booze.

I just hope I don’t forget and go buy some more the next time I’m in the store.

Because that would be tragic.



Now, if you’ll excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I think I will go have a screwdriver.

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